COULD MY PARENT HAVE AN

TEENMENTALHEALTH

.ORG

PROJECT DIRECTOR & AUTHOR

Dr. Stan Kutcher, MD., FRCPC,

Sun Life Financial Chair in Adolescent Mental Health, IWK Health Centre

ADULT CONTRIBUTORS

Dr. Suzanne Zinck, MD., FRCPC; Magdalena Szumilas, MSc.;

Dr. Robert Lees, R.Psych; Rosalie Walls, MSW, RSW;

Roxanne L. Still, Ph.D., R. Psych.; Luke Parsons

CONTRIBUTED IN PART BY

Vanessa Bruce, MA;

Jacqueline Potvin-Boucher, BDes

REVIEWERS AND EDITORS

Dr. Selene Etches, MD., FRCPC;

Faten Alshazly, BSc., M.A.

FINAL REVIEW AND EDITS

Dr. Stan Kutcher, MD., FRCPC

YOUTH CONTRIBUTORS

Kristin Victoria Gray; Joel Maxuel; Taylor Crosby; Dalton Clarke

material can not be altered, modiﬁed or sold. Teens and parents are

welcome to use this material for their own purposes. Health providers are

welcome to use this material in their provision of health care. Educators are

welcome to use this material for teaching or similar purposes. Questions on

other uses of this material, other than described above, can be forwarded

to [email protected]

MY PARENT HAS... IS MADE POSSIBLE IN PART BY

T.R. Meighen

Family Foundation

THEM

Follow: @TMentalhealth

Chat: [email protected]

Like: fb.com/teenmentalhealth.org

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Introduction

Facts about Alcohol

Facts about Drug Use

Craving, tolerance & withdrawal

Treating Addiction

What you can do

Talking to your parent

Question & Answer

Dealing with your Emotions

Dealing with your Stress

Family Rules

Suicide

Getting Support

Helpful websites

Write about you

Emergency Contact List

Ulysses Agreement

12.

14.

16.

18.

20.

22.

25.

26.

27.

30.

31.

32.

33.

WHERE?

In Print : Amazon.com

Online : TeenMentalHealth.org

aving a parent with an Addiction can be

frightening, frustrating, and stressful. When someone

you care about has a mental illness, you can feel

helpless and wonder if it’s your fault. You are not to

blame. There is nothing you could have done to cause

your parent’s Addiction. Although it may feel like

everything is out of your control, try not to lose hope.

Addiction is treatable and there are people who can

help you and your parent recover. You are not alone.

This booklet will help you understand more about

Addiction and what you can do to cope with your

parent’s illness.

FACTS

ABOUT

ALCOHOL

THE SPECTRUM OF ALCOHOL USE DIAGRAM

WHY DO PEOPLE DRINK ALCOHOL?

People drink alcohol for many reasons. Some people drink to be social and spend time with friends.

Some people drink because they like the taste. Some people drink to relax and unwind after a long

day. Some people drink to cope with their problems. Alcohol affects the brain, causing your parent’s

behaviour to change. His or her inhibitions may be lowered, leading him or her to do things he or

she normally would not. Your parent’s perceptions and sensations may also be diminished, making

your parent less aware of what is going on around him or her. This is called being intoxicated or

drunk. For some people, drinking is used as a way to relax or escape from problems or stress. When

under the inﬂuence of alcohol, people may be less aware of and care less about their problems and

concerns. In small doses, alcohol can have pleasant and relatively safe effects for many people.

Unfortunately, the larger the quantity someone drinks, the more intoxicated he or she may become.

And the greater the frequency with which someone drinks, the more likely it is that he or she may

develop an Addiction.

Frequently, people who have problem drinking don’t believe they have a problem or will not admit that

they do.

SIGNS OF ALCOHOL INTOXICATION

k slurred speech

k lack of coordination/clumsy

k difﬁculty walking/staggering

k attention/memory problems

k “passing out” or losing consciousness

Low likelihood of alcohol-related problems High likelihood of alcohol related problems

NO USE

USE

OVER USE

MISUSE

ABUSE

DEPENDENCE/

ADDICTION

TYPICAL VS. PROBLEMATIC DRINKING BEHAVIOUR

It’s not uncommon for a parent (or any adult) to have an occasional drink. Many people’s parents have

a glass of wine or beer with dinner or a drink with friends in the evening. This usually isn’t considered

problem drinking. Problem drinking occurs when that drinking starts to interfere with other aspects of

the person’s life and the person starts to feel like he or she needs a drink to function.

People can become addicted to and abuse drugs including illegal drugs, such as cocaine and heroin,

and legal drugs, such as prescription painkillers. If prescription medication is being used as intended

and prescribed, it’s not considered drug abuse (although it is possible that the person using the

prescribed medication may become addicted to the medication). For prescription medication to be

considered a drug of abuse, it must be taken for something other than its intended use (i.e., painkillers

taken to experience euphoria, rather than to reduce pain; ADHD medication taken by someone who

does not have ADHD).

WHY DO PEOPLE USE DRUGS?

The reasons for using drugs can vary greatly from person to person. Some people start using drugs

due to peer pressure. Other people start using drugs as a way to escape from their problems. Some

people start using drugs because they were searching for the euphoric feelings that ﬁrst accompany

a “high”. Other people start using prescription pain medication when they are injured and become

dependant on the drug and its accompanying sensations. Few people believe that they will become

addicted when they start taking drugs. People may believe “it won’t happen to me,” or “I’m too strong

for that”. The truth is: drug Addiction has very little to do with will power. Drug use affects the way

your parent’s brain works and some drugs do this quicker than others. It’s not as simple as deciding

not to take the drug anymore and stopping. Your parent may have initially chosen to take the drug,

but the way the drug interacted with your parent’s brain may have led to his or her current use being

out of his or her control.

SIGNS OF DRUG INTOXICATION

When someone is intoxicated (or “high”) from a drug, the effects may vary depending on the particular

drug, the amount taken, and the individual person’s biology. Although there are too many possible

drugs to provide a comprehensive list of all of the effects, here are some common signs of intoxication

for the most frequently abused drugs. Remember, a person does not need to be addicted to a drug

to abuse it or to become intoxicated when using it.

SIGNS OF OPIOID (E.G., HEROIN; OXYCODONE)

INTOXICATION

k restless movement or slowed movement

k impaired judgment

k small pupils in the eyes

k drowsiness

k slurred speech

k attention or memory problems

k clammy skin

k dizziness or confusion

k difﬁculty breathing

FACTS

ABOUT

DRUG USE

SIGNS OF CANNABIS (E.G., MARIJUANA) INTOXICATION

k lack of coordination

k anxiety

k impaired judgment

k social withdrawal

k dry mouth

k racing heart

k bloodshot eyes

SIGNS OF STIMULANT (E.G., COCAINE; AMPHETAMINES;

CRYSTAL METH) INTOXICATION

k paranoia

k anxiety or anger

k impaired judgment

k heart rate that is too slow or too fast

k enlarged pupils in the eyes

k blood pressure that is lower or higher than normal

k sweating or chills

k nausea or vomiting

k restless movement or slowed movement

k chest pain

k difﬁculty breathing

k confusion

k seizures

Addiction refers to the physical and psychological need for the substance (alcohol or drug). The most

deﬁning feature of Addiction is craving for the drug. This craving drives the person to focus his or

her behaviours on obtaining the drug. Craving can happen anytime but is often increased when the

person is reminded of people, places, or things that are associated with using drugs/alcohol (e.g.,

driving by a liquor store or watching people use drugs on a TV show). Another feature of Addiction

is called tolerance. When people use a substance frequently, their bodies may become used to the

substance and develop a tolerance. That means that it will take more and more of the substance for

them to feel the same effect. People who are addicted often experience tolerance but many people

who develop tolerance to a medication are not addicted to the medicine. When someone is addicted,

he or she can experience withdrawal without the substance. Withdrawal is a painful and sometimes

violent reaction to the body trying to function without that drug or alcohol present. Symptoms of

withdrawal can include sweating, shaking, heart racing, insomnia, nausea or vomiting, hallucinations

(i.e., seeing/hearing/touching something that isn’t actually there), anxiety, and seizures. Withdrawal

makes it very difﬁcult for people to quit drinking or using drugs once they’ve become addicted. But,

tolerance and withdrawal can happen without Addiction and you can have Addiction without having

symptoms of tolerance and withdrawal. It’s a bit confusing but a very important point.

CRAVING

TOLERANCE

& WITHDRAWAL

WHAT DO WE KNOW ABOUT ADDICTION?

Over the period of a year, among Canadians 15 years of age and older [Canadian Alcohol and Drug

Use Monitoring Survey (2009). Health Canada.]:

k Most people report drinking alcohol

k About 5% report frequent heavy drinking

k 6.5% of Canadians report that they have harmed

themselves by drinking

k 10.6% used cannabis (i.e., marijuana)

k 1.2% used cocaine or crack

k 0.2% used crystal meth

k 2.3% of people who used prescription

psychoactive drugs (e.g., oxycodone) report that

they abused the drug

In adults, Addiction to alcohol and most drugs is more common in men than women. [DSM-V (2013).

American Psychiatric Association.]

HOW DO YOU KNOW IF SOMEONE IS ADDICTED TO A

SUBSTANCE OR IS ABUSING A SUBSTANCE?

Addiction and abuse (also called a Substance Use Disorder) are diagnosed by a health or mental

health professional (e.g., a doctor, psychologist, or clinical nurse practitioner with training in mental

health) when someone:

k Uses substance in larger amounts or for a longer

period of time than medically intended or for

purposes other than medical treatment

k Is unable to cut down on the amount of substance

used

k Spends a great deal of time trying to obtain, using,

or recovering from a substance

k Craves a substance

k Is unable to meet responsibilities at work, home,

or school due to substance use

k Gives up important social, occupational, or

recreational activities to use substance

k Continues to use substance even though it

causes him or her occupation, personal, social,

and physical problems

k Uses substance when it is physically dangerous

k Develops a tolerance for the substance (i.e., needs

more and more of the substance to achieve the

same effect)

k Experiences withdrawal when the substance is

not used

k Experiences clinically signiﬁcant impairment or

distress

Not all people with Substance Use Disorders will experience all of these symptoms.

CONSEQUENCES OF ADDICTION

Addiction can cause family problems, social problems, ﬁnancial problems, and health problems,

including:

k Neglecting, hurting, and losing family and friends

because the person spends so much time using

or trying to obtain the substance.

k Engaging in moody, unstable, or violent behaviour,

often accompanied by anger management

problems.

k Behaving in dangerous or risky ways. People

with Addictions can go to great lengths to get the

substance and may put themselves or others in

danger.

k Trouble keeping a job because he or she shows

up late, is hung over, or even uses the substance

at work.

k Spending a lot of money on the substance and

sometimes failing to pay necessary bills and

expenses (e.g., electricity, groceries).

k Incurring a number of health problems, including

problems with the stomach, heart, liver, and

central nervous system.

SIGNS OF ALCOHOL POISONING

k Loss of consciousness

k Slow or irregular heart beat

k Vomiting

k Seizure

k Low body temperature

k Pale or bluish skin

SIGNS OF DRUG OVERDOSE

k Loss of consciousness

k Chest pain

k Heavy sweating

k Delusions/hallucinations

k Faster breathing

k Seizures or uncontrollable twitching

k Fever

k Racing or irregular heartbeat

k Cold or pale skin

CALL 911 IMMEDIATELY

Someone with alcohol poisoning or a drug overdose may get brain damage or die. It is essential

that you call for help immediately if you notice any of the signs listed above.

OF DRUG OVERDOSE

& ALCOHOL POISONING

SIGNS

WHY DO SOME PEOPLE DEVELOP AN ADDICTION AND

OTHERS DO NOT?

Whether or not someone develops an Addiction to alcohol or drugs depends on a number of

factors, not all of which we understand. The amount of the substance consumed, how it is

WHY WON’T MY PARENT STOP DRINKING/USING DRUGS?

Unfortunately, it’s not as simple as just deciding to quit. The decision to stop drinking or using drugs is

an important part of getting better but it’s not the only part. Drinking or using drugs changes the way

your parent’s brain works, which can make it really hard for him or her to stop. Here are some other

reasons why your parent might still be drinking or using drugs:

CO-OCCURRING DISORDERS

It’s not uncommon for someone with an Addiction to also have other mental health problems or

mental disorders. Often, people with mental illness use alcohol or drugs to cope with their symptoms.

Alcohol or drug use (including smoking cigarettes) may help the person to relax and mask his or her

symptoms but there are several serious problems with using this coping strategy. First, it’s only a

short-term solution; when the effects of the substance wear off, the symptoms remain (and may be

worse). Second, consistently using drugs and alcohol to cope may lead to Addiction in some people.

With continued use of a substance, the person may need more and more of the alcohol or drugs to

get the same relief, putting him or her at increased risk for Addiction and increasing his or her chance

of overdose or other kinds of harm.

Your parent may not understand that he or she has a problem or the impact his or her Addiction

has on you and your family.

If your parent understands that he or she has a problem, he or she may not be ready to admit it or

ask for help because of:

k Fear of failure. Your parent may be afraid that he

or she will not be able to succeed in treatment.

k Fear of real life. If your parent stops drinking

or using drugs, he or she will have to face the

problems that his or her Addiction has caused, as

well as face whatever issues he or she may have

initially tried to escape by using alcohol or drugs.

k Fear of stigma. Your parent may be afraid of

the stigma associated with Addiction. He or

she may be concerned that your family will be

treated differently if people ﬁnd out he or she is in

treatment for Addiction.

k Cost of Treatment. In some places, treatment

can be quite expensive. Even if the treatment

itself is free, your parent may need to take time off

work to attend treatment, which can impact your

family’s ﬁnances.

k Embarrassment. Admitting that you have lost

control over your own behaviour can be very

difﬁcult for people to admit. He or she may not

be ready to accept responsibility for his or her

behaviour while intoxicated or he or she may feel

weak for becoming addicted in the ﬁrst place.

consumed, and how often the substance is consumed contribute to the likelihood of developing an

Addiction. When an addictive substance is frequently ingested, the brain starts to work differently,

which then makes it difﬁcult for some people to function without the drug or alcohol. But the point at

which the substance becomes addictive is different for everyone. Some of this depends on physical

attributes, like weight and gender; some of it depends on the drug taken (e.g., heroin becomes

addictive much faster than some other drugs). Some people may be more genetically at risk for

Addiction than others. We do know that people who have another mental illness, such as Depression

or an Anxiety Disorder, may be at higher risk for developing an Addiction, as are people who have

family members with Addictions. If someone in your immediate family, like your mother or father, has

an Addiction, you are at higher risk for developing substance problems as well.

Addictions are treatable but it takes time and hard work. Your parent won’t get better overnight.

There is no set time for how long treatment will last, but most treatments take at least 12 weeks

to see noticeable improvements, so it’s important to be patient and supportive. Your parent may

need to be in treatment for a long time to prevent relapse, although he or she may not need to go

to treatment as often. A relapse is when an illness comes back after it has been effectively treated.

Some people with Addictions go through a number of periods of treatment success followed by

relapse until they experience lasting success.

Well-established treatments for Addiction include some types of behavioural therapies, as well as

some kinds of medicines. Often a combination of these treatments will be recommended. In order for

treatment to work, it must target your parent’s whole life (e.g., relationships with family and friends,

work responsibilities, his or her thoughts and emotions) and not just his or her drinking or drug use.

Drinking and drug use is often related to many issues in your parent’s life, and thus, focusing on all

aspects of his or her life may be necessary for treatment.

TYPE OF TREATMENT

Medication

Medications can sometimes help lessen withdrawal symptoms and decrease cravings by helping

your parent’s brain function without alcohol/drugs. These medications are most effective when they

are used in combination with other treatments and may take 4-6 weeks to start working.

There are several different medications that your parent’s doctor might choose to prescribe for alcohol

treatment, including disulﬁram (i.e., antabuse), which works best if your parent has a secure social

network and is motivated to change, and naltrexone, which can help reduce alcohol craving when used

in conjunction with other treatments.

For people addicted to opiates (e.g., morphine, heroin), methadone, suboxone, and naltrexone can

help reduce opiate use, criminal activity, and HIV/Hepatitis C transmission. When these medications are

combined with other therapies, they can contribute towards improved productivity and improved social

and physical functioning.

Behaviour Therapies

Behaviour Therapies are a type of talk therapy that can be done one-on-one (just your parent and

the therapist) or in a group (with other adults who also have Addictions). They also work to help

your parent’s brain function without alcohol/drugs. Some treatments used in behaviour therapy include:

k Cognitive Behavioural Therapy helps your parent learn how thoughts, feelings and behaviours can

interact and inﬂuence drug and alcohol use.

k Motivational Enhancement Therapy helps your parent increase their desire to change (i.e., decrease or

stop) their substance use behaviours and teaches valuable relapse prevention strategies.

TREATING ADDICTION

Other Treatment Approaches

k Residential Treatment is when your parent moves into a facility or hospital where he or she can receive

24 hour treatment and monitoring. Often, residential treatment will involve a comprehensive treatment plan

that includes components of the behavioural therapies and medications listed above.

k Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) is a community resource that includes a treatment component. Your parent

has the option of attending meetings whenever he or she chooses (although many people advocate for

regular meetings) and being as involved in the meetings as he or she wishes to be.

k Narcotics Anonymous (NA) is another community resource that includes a treatment component,

speciﬁcally for people with drug Addiction.

For important information on how to get the best treatment, check out:

teenmentalhealth.org/for-families-and-teens/evidence-based-medicine

teenmentalhealth.org/images/resources/communicating_with_healthcare_providers_person_

version.pdf

k Community Reinforcement focuses on your parent’s social functioning, with the goal of changing your

parent’s environment so that not drinking/using drugs becomes more rewarding than drinking/using drugs.

It is effective for people with severe alcohol problems, especially if they don’t have much social support.

This approach is also being used with people with drug Addictions, but it’s not yet clear how effective it is

for drug use.

k Marital Therapy works on improving your parents’ communication and problem-solving skills and help to

make their relationship more positive.

k Social Skills Training teaches your parent how to develop positive and satisfying relationships with other

people, which may decrease your parent’s motivation to drink or use drugs.

k Stress Management helps your parent learn how to relax and decrease stress, which may be especially

helpful for people who drink or use drugs to reduce stress. Stress Management is usually used as a

component of a larger comprehensive treatment plan.

Start by putting yourself ﬁrst. Do things that you enjoy and that help you cope with stress. When you

look after yourself, it makes it easier to deal with the challenges of your parent’s Addiction. Don’t

forget that you’re the kid in this relationship - it’s not your responsibility to look after your parent.

Putting yourself ﬁrst does not mean that you’re abandoning your parent or that you don’t love him

or her. Here are some ways that you can help your parent, without making his or her Addiction your

responsibility:

WHAT

YOU

CAN DO?

Talk to someone.

Talking to other family members about your parent’s Addiction can be a relief because they often

understand what you’re going through. Just remember that not all people will have the same

experience as you and not everyone is comfortable talking about Addiction or mental illness. If you

can’t ﬁnd support within your family, it’s okay to talk to a trusted friend. Try to respect your parent’s

privacy but remember that you have nothing to be ashamed of. Some people may be judgmental

or unkind. This is usually because they don’t understand Addiction or what it’s like to have a family

member who has an Addiction. Your parent’s illness is not a reﬂection of you and does not make

your family less than any other family. You can choose to react negatively to these people; you can

choose to ignore the things they say; or you can choose to stand up to them and increase their

awareness of Addiction and mental illness. It’s up to you. As important as it is to try to increase

people’s understanding of Addiction and mental illness, not everyone is willing to listen. Pick and

choose your battles and try to conﬁde only in people you trust. There’s no shame in just ignoring

someone’s negative comments if it doesn’t seem worth your energy.

Educate yourself about the illness.

Understanding what Addiction is and how it affects your parent will help you feel less frustrated

and more supportive. The library is a good resource for books on Addiction, as are the trusted

websites that are listed on page 30.

Be prepared for emergencies.

It’s tempting to pretend that everything is ﬁne but it’s so important for you to be prepared in

case something goes wrong. Have a plan about what to do and where to go, as well as a list of

emergency contacts, just in case. Use the tear out pages at the back of this book to write down your

emergency contacts.

Learn how to communicate.

Try to avoid arguments and accusations when you get frustrated. Page 16 has some tips for

communicating with your parents.

Let your parent know you care.

It can be really frustrating and upsetting when your parent has an Addiction. It’s easy to focus

only on the negative, especially when your parent is feeling negative. Remember that having an

Addiction skews the way your parent sees the world and can make things seem worse than they

really are. Remind your parent that you care about him or her, even when he or she is being really

negative. Try not to let his or her negative thoughts and comments affect your own thoughts and

behaviours.

Be patient and don’t take it personally.

Addiction affects the way your parent sees the world. He or she may not want to do the things

he or she used to like to do or be able to participate in your school events or games the way

you would like. Although it’s difﬁcult, try not to take it personally. Be patient with your parent when

you can and recognize that Addiction takes over a person’s life. How your parent is acting is not a

reﬂection of you or of how he or she feels about you.

Keep in mind quality, not quantity.

Sometimes it’s better to spend shorter periods of time with your parent doing something

enjoyable when he or she is sober and feeling good, rather than giving up lots of your time trying

to care for him or her. It’s okay to set boundaries; it doesn’t make you a bad kid.

Understand your feelings.

Become familiar with how your parent’s Addiction affects you. Do you worry too much or do you

feel neglected? Talking to a counsellor, or a trusted friend or family member can help you sort

through your thoughts. Keeping a journal of your feelings can also help you put things in perspective

and understand yourself better.

Accept what you can’t control.

You can’t control your parent’s behaviour or the fact that he or she has an Addiction. People can

only control their own thoughts, feelings, and actions. Trying to change your parent is frustrating

and futile. Focus on the things you can control (like your reactions to your parent’s behaviour) and try

to let the other things go.

Do what you love.

Doing things you love to do can take your mind off problems with your family and remind you

of the good things in your life.

Appreciate the fun times.

Remember that your parent’s symptoms may worsen and improve. Take advantage of the

good times and have fun with your parent when he or she is sober. Try not to hold a grudge

because of how your parent acted when he or she was drinking or using drugs. It’s important to

have fun together when you can, because having good times to remember will help get you through

the difﬁcult times.

When your parent has an Addiction, it can feel like you’re walking on eggshells around him or her. It

can be hard to ﬁnd the right thing to say or to ﬁgure out how to tell your parent what’s on your mind.

Here are a few tips to help you out:

TALKING TO

YOUR PARENT

Be respectful and polite. This can be a challenge if your parent has been drinking or using

drugs or has missed out on something that he or she promised you they would do. Try taking a

deep breath and remember that the Addiction is making him or her act this way and you don’t

have to join the negativity.

It is not your job to take care of your parent. This information is meant to help you

better understand your parent’s illness so you can know what to expect and be better

prepared to cope. Your job is to take care of you and do your part in trying to have a good

relationship with your parent.

Think of your parent as a person and talk to them the way you would want someone to talk

to you. It’s easy to think of our parents only as parents or only as someone with an Addiction.

They’re more than either of those roles and treating them as such goes a long way.

Avoid blaming. Even if your parent was at fault, blaming them for whatever has happened will

only make them defensive and less likely to listen. Use “I” statements whenever you can. They

communicate your message without causing the other person to feel as defensive. For example,

instead of saying “You didn’t come to my soccer game again,” say “I was hurt when I realized that

you weren’t at my soccer game.” This puts the emphasis on how it made you feel, instead of what

your parent did wrong.

Express your feelings. Even though your parent has an Addiction, he or she is still your parent.

Your feelings matter just as much as his or her feelings. If you’re comfortable, tell your parent

when you’re upset, stressed out, scared, and even happy. Expressing those feelings can help

improve your mood and it’s important that your parent is aware of how you’re feeling.

Choose a suitable time and place to talk to your parent if the topic is sensitive.

If you have something important to discuss, make sure that you have some privacy. The middle

of the grocery store is probably not a great spot for an intimate or emotional conversation. Try to

approach your parent at times when they are generally calm, relaxed, and sober. It will make it easier

for both of you. Avoid having a serious conversation with your parent if he or she is feeling sick or

using alcohol/drugs.

Speak with a trusted adult ﬁrst. If you have to discuss something important with your parent,

whether it’s about you or about their Addiction, it can help to speak with a trusted adult ﬁrst.

This can mean another family member, a family friend, or a counsellor. You can run things by the

trusted adult as a trial run and they can even accompany you to talk to your parent, if you feel that’s

appropriate and helpful.

Be prepared for denial and negativity. Your parent may not be ready or willing to admit that he

or she has a problem. This denial could be because he or she is trying to protect you or it could

be that your parent doesn’t want to believe that his or her alcohol or drug use is that serious. Try

to stay calm and rational. If the conversation starts to get out of control or violent, do what you can

to leave the situation. If your parent says something negative, try not to take it personally.

If you are not comfortable speaking to your parent face-to-face, writing a letter can be a

good alternative. A letter allows you to express how you feel without your emotions confusing

you. It also gives your parent the opportunity to read it on his or her own time. Giving your parent

some time to process what you needed to say allows him or her to be less defensive than he or she

may be if confronted in person. A good idea when writing a letter is to put it away for a day when

you’ve ﬁnished, and then read it again to make sure you’ve said what you really want to say.

UESTION

NSWER

Did i cause my parent’s Addiction?

No, absolutely not. Nothing you could do would cause your parent’s Addiction.

Does my parent even like me?

Sometimes people with Addictions or mental illness don’t have the ability to put

themselves in another person’s shoes and realize how their words and actions affect

other people. Addiction can make it difﬁcult for your parent to see beyond his or her

own perspective. Remember that even though your parent has an Addiction, it is not

okay for him or her to say rude or hurtful things to you. Although it can be really tough,

try not to take what your parent says personally. If conversations become very negative,

do what you can to remove yourself from the situation.

Am i betraying my parent if i talk about them?

No, it’s important for you to talk about how your parent’s Addiction is affecting you.

Just make sure that the person you talk to is someone that you trust (and if possible,

someone that your parent also trusts). Remember that you have nothing to be

ashamed of.

Will I develop an Addiction too?

You get your genes from your biological parents, and although your genes contribute to

Addiction, that does not mean that you will develop an Addiction. Therefore, although

it’s possible that you will develop an Addiction, there’s also a possibility that you won’t.

It does mean, however, that you are at higher risk for developing Addiction. There are

many things you can do to stay healthy and even decrease your risk of developing an

Addiction. The best way to prevent Addiction is to not drink alcohol or use drugs. You

can’t become addicted to something you don’t use. Regardless of whether you choose

to abstain from alcohol or drugs, make sure you look after yourself, eat healthy, get

plenty of sleep, and learn to use positive coping skills (see page 22). Practicing healthy

behaviours and coping positively with stress is essential.

DEALING WITH

YOUR EMOTIONS

GUILT

When someone you love has an Addiction, it’s not unusual to experience guilt about feeling:

k Happy

k Carefree

k Angry with your parent

k Like you don’t want to spend time with your parent

k Like you can’t make your parent better

Although it’s totally normal to feel guilty, remember that your parent’s illness is not your fault. You

haven’t done anything to cause his or her Addiction and you have every right to feel and express

happiness, anger, sadness, fear, or any other emotion. Try to remind yourself that you can’t control or

change your parent’s behaviour. He or she has to do that on his or her own. Be caring and thoughtful,

but put yourself ﬁrst. Just because Addiction is trying to control your parent’s life, doesn’t mean you

have to let it control yours.

ANGER

Anger is an important emotion. It’s totally okay to feel angry at times. Rather than feeling guilty about

your anger, try to focus on learning ways that you can better manage your anger and understand what

it means to you. Effective anger management takes practice. Here are some tips that may help:

If you’ve tried all of these tips and are still having a hard time managing your anger, it is a good idea to

talk to a counsellor. For information on how and where to ﬁnd support, see page 29.

Count to ten.

It sounds cliché but it can help. Taking a

pause before you respond helps your body

and your mind calm down and you can then

think more rationally about how to react.

Give yourself a break.

If you feel yourself getting angry, walk away

from the situation for a little while, if you can.

This works in a similar way as counting to ten,

giving you time to calm down and think rationally

about how to deal with the situation that is

making you angry.

Burn off some steam.

Exercise is a great way to manage your

anger. Go for a run, try yoga, take a

kickboxing class – whatever works best for

you. Working out helps your body “release”

emotions, plus you get the beneﬁts of exercise.

Breathe deeply.

Take a minute and try the box breathing

exercise on page 23. Taking deep breaths

slows your heart rate and helps you calm down.

Express your feelings.

Sometimes, telling someone why you are

angry can help you feel better. Instead of

being aggressive, try to calmly and assertively

express your feelings. When you’re calm, it’s

easier for people to listen to what you are

actually saying, instead of only reacting to your

anger.

Learn to problem solve.

Figuring out what exactly is making you

angry can make a huge difference in how

you feel. Often, what we think we’re angry about

and what we’re actually angry about are not

the same thing. Later on, when you have some

distance from the situation, think about the

point when you got angry, what happened, and

what thoughts were going through your head.

Understanding the problem goes a long way

towards ﬁnding a good solution.

DEALING WITH

YOUR STRESS

Having a parent with an Addiction can be really stressful and that stress can show itself in many ways:

Eat healthy.

Eating a balanced diet gives your body

the fuel it needs to help combat stress.

Try not to skip meals, eat plenty of fruits and

vegetables, and go easy on the junk food.

Daily relaxation time.

Take time each day to relax. Read a book,

watch a movie, play a game, listen to music

– whatever helps you relax. Also learn and use

the Box Breathing exercise on next the page.

COPING STRATEGIES

Sleep.

Getting 8-9 hours of sleep each night will

help you feel better the next day. If you have

trouble sleeping, try the Sleep tips on next page.

Exercise.

Daily physical activity improves your health

and mood, and helps you get rid of stress.

Even something as simple as going for a walk

can help.

Physical symptoms.

Headache; neck ache; indigestion; stomach ache; sweaty palms; racing heart; irregular

sleeping patterns.

Emotional symptoms.

Crying; anger; loneliness; forgetfulness; diminished sense of humour; irritability; hopelessness;

unhappiness; indecisiveness; sensitivity; anxiety.

Behavioural symptoms.

Drinking, smoking or using drugs; needing to be in control; withdrawal or avoidance; acting

aggressively; feeling restless; grinding teeth; eating poorly; having nightmares.

Although a little bit of stress is healthy, the stress of having a parent with an Addiction can

sometimes feel overwhelming. The coping strategies below can help you stay calm and prevent the

stress from taking over your life. If after a little practice, these strategies don’t seem to be helping, it’s

a good idea to talk to a counsellor. See page 30 for information on how to ﬁnd support.

Stay away from alcohol and drugs.

Although you may feel better in the short-

term, alcohol and drugs will not resolve

your stress. They’ll only give you a false sense of

conﬁdence and may make your problems worse

in the long run. This includes cigarettes!

Limit caffeine.

Caffeine can make your heart race, which

can make you feel worse.

Go outside.

Staying inside all the time can be really

draining. Getting outside and enjoying the

sun and fresh air can improve your mood. Try to

link this with exercise if you can; even a brisk walk

outdoors may help.

Build healthy relationships.

It’s important to have a good support

network of people you trust.

Acknowledge your feelings.

It’s okay to feel angry or upset once in a

while. You don’t have to bottle up your

feelings. Try talking to the people in your support

network. Sharing your feelings with someone

else can feel like a weight is lifted off your chest.

Be realistic.

Addiction can make your parent interpret

things differently than they actually are.

Remind yourself that Addiction skews your

parent’s perspective and things may not be

exactly what your parent believes them to be.

Manage your time.

Learn how to schedule and prioritize your

projects and other responsibilities — it will

help you feel more in control, more productive,

and less overwhelmed. Use a timetable

organizer and check it out every morning to help

you plan your day.

Accept what you can’t change.

Not being able to change your parent’s

behaviour can be really frustrating. It’s

important to remember that the only thing you

can control is your own behaviour. Try not to

dwell on the things you can’t change and focus

on the things you can (e.g., how you react to

your parent’s behaviour).

If possible, sit and close your eyes. If not, just

focus on your breathing.

k Inhale your breath (preferably through your nose)

for 4 seconds.

k Hold your breath for 4 more seconds. You’re not

trying to deprive yourself of air; you’re just giving

the air a few seconds to ﬁll your lungs.

k Exhale slowly through your mouth for 4 seconds.

k Pause for 4 seconds (without speaking) before

breathing in again.

Repeat this process as many times as

necessary. Even 30 seconds of deep breathing

will help you feel calmer and more in control.

k Go to sleep and wake up within 30 minutes of

the same time every day.

k Follow a regular nightly routine before you go to

bed. A series of steps that you follow every night

cues your body that it’s time to fall asleep.

k Don’t read, do homework, or text your friends

from your bed. This teaches your body that when

you’re in bed, you should be sleeping.

k Avoid electronic screens (TV, computer, phone,

tablet, etc.) for at least one hour before bed, and

try not to bring them into your bedroom.

For more information about sleep, check out:

teenmentalhealth.org/understanding-mental-

health/sleep

BOX BREATHING SLEEP TIPS

A tool you might nd helpful ‘Taking Charge of Your Health’ is available as a free download

at: teenmentalhealth.org/resources/entries/taking-charge-of-your-health

You might have unspoken “rules” in your family. It’s important to

be aware of these hidden “rules” because sometimes they may

be unhealthy. Here are some rules that are worth breaking:

Break it! It may be uncomfortable at ﬁrst, but it’s so important

to talk about what’s going on in your family. Chances are –

someone else feels the way you do. Sharing your feelings with

each other can help to release stress and starts you on the

path toward resolving family issues. You can’t solve a problem

if no one will admit it exists.

Break it! Although it’s tempting to sometimes not feel at

all, emotions are an essential part of living a fulﬁlling and

rewarding life. Don’t let your parent’s illness stop you from

living the full life you deserve.

Break it! We make our assumptions about the world based

on our experiences – that can make it easy to not trust

anyone else when you come from a family that constantly

breaks your trust. Not everyone will disappoint you. There

are lots of honest and trustworthy people in the world. Give

someone a chance to be there for you when you need it.

Don’t trust. When you’re frequently disappointed by broken

promises, eventually you learn not to trust what people say to

you. Sometimes you don’t trust other people at all.

Don’t feel. When you’re constantly disappointed and hurt by

someone you love, you learn to shut off your emotions so that

other people can’t hurt you the same way.

Don’t talk. When a lot of negative things happen in a family,

you can learn not to talk about your problems because it’s

uncomfortable. 3

FAMILY

RULES

Although your parent has an Addiction, he or she is not necessarily suicidal. Many people with

Addiction problems do not have suicidal thoughts and never attempt suicide. However, having

an Addiction does increase the risk for suicide, especially if your parent has other mental health

problems, so you should be aware of the warning signs that your parent may be considering suicide,

just in case:

k Intense hopelessness or sadness

k Preoccupation with death

k Loss of interest in regular activities

k Withdrawal from family and friends

k Talking about what it will be like when they’re gone

k Giving away valued possessions

WHY WOULD SOMEONE WANT TO DIE BY SUICIDE?

There are many reasons why someone might attempt suicide, including:

k To escape from problems that may seem overwhelming

k To end painful feelings of sadness, rejection, or loss

k To avoid disappointing others

k To stop feelings of shame and guilt

k Because they feel that life isn’t worth living

k Because they feel worthless and hopeless about the future

k Because alcohol or drugs have altered their thinking and mood

k Because they believe that others would be better off without them

People who die by suicide usually believe that it is the only way out. Their thinking is clouded and

they are not able to realize how their actions will affect the people who care about them. Treating

Addiction and other co-occurring mental health problems decreases risk for suicide.

WHAT CAN I DO?

It’s okay to ask your parent if they are suicidal and tell them that you are concerned. Asking about

suicide will not put the idea in his or her head. If you suspect your parent is suicidal, the best thing you

can do is tell a trusted adult. If there is no one you trust, call 911. Suicide risk is serious and you cannot

handle this on your own.

Knowing your parent is suicidal may cause you to feel extremely anxious, sad, angry, or guilty.

Talking to a counselor about what you are going through can be really helpful. See next page for help

getting support.

SUICIDE

Surrounding yourself with a good support system of friends, relatives, neighbours, and other people

you trust is really helpful. A good support system will:

k Understand the challenges that having a parent

with a mental disorder creates for you

k Listen to you when you need someone to talk to

k Notice when you’re not acting/feeling like yourself

k Give you honest and helpful advice when you need it

k Encourage you

k Help you cope when you’re having a rough time

k Be there for you when you need them

k Remind you that you’re not alone

k Hang out with you.

GETTING SUPPORT

Join a support group for families.

Many communities have support groups for

family members of people with Addictions

where you can talk openly about what you are

going through. If there are no local groups,

online groups are also available.

Talk to a counselor.

If you have a school counsellor, it may

be helpful to talk to them. They can often

provide information on Addiction or tell you

about other local resources or support groups

for families.

Find a safe environment.

If you feel unsafe at home - it’s okay to go

to a friend’s house. Just make sure that a

trusted adult knows where you are. Don’t run

away and put yourself in danger.

Know emergency contacts.

If your parent gets abusive or out of control,

it’s important to know the phone numbers of

trusted people you can call for help.

MAKE A ULYSSES AGREEMENT

A Ulysses agreement is like a safety plan for

your family. The purpose of this agreement

is to make sure that you and your siblings

will be taken care of if your parent’s illness

gets to the point that your parent is not

able to take healthy control of his/her life.

It’s a good idea to sit down with your entire

family and come up with a list of warning

signs that your parent’s illness may be

worsening and what you should do if that

happens. The agreement should also

include who you should contact and a safe

place you could go if your parent is unwell.

It would also be a good idea for your family

to include trusted relatives or close family

friends when creating this agreement, so

that they know what could happen and

how to provide support if necessary. There

is a sample Ulysses agreement in the back

of this book for you to use.

NAME:

PHONE NUMBER:

VIOLENCE:

If your parent becomes violent or if you are unsure about your

safety or the safety of others, you need to act. Call 911. If

violence is occurring, it is important that you get help from a

counselor, police ofﬁcer, or doctor. DO NOT WAIT! The sooner

the issue is addressed, the better the outcome.

EMERGENCY

CONTACT

These are places you can nd more information about Addiction/mental health/mental disorders

and get help:

TALK TO A COUNSELOR OR FAMILY DOCTOR

Sometimes you may need to talk to someone who is experienced in helping teens, like a

counselor, psychologist, or doctor. Don't be afraid to ask for this if you need it. Realizing you

need more help and looking for it is a sign of strength, not weakness. A counselor or doctor can

help you:

k Understand more about your parent’s Addiction

k Understand and express your emotions in a

positive way

k Learn to cope in healthy ways

k Make positive changes in your own life

k Build healthy relationships

k Set limits and protect yourself

Sometimes it helps to make a list of questions before visiting a counselor or doctor. Remember,

what you say will remain condential unless you are in a situation where harm can happen to

you. Discuss with your doctor or counselor how they will keep your discussions in condence.

INFO

School Counselor or Nurse.

Your school counselor or nurse may have

helpful resources for you, including books,

pamphlets, and contacts in the community.

Library.

Check your local community or school

library for books to help you understand

more about Addiction.

Family Doctor.

Talk to your family doctor about your

concerns. Your doctor can answer

questions you may have and may be able

to connect you with a good psychologist,

counselor, and/or support group.

Health Boards.

Many communities have a health board

with information on different support

groups and other resources. They are often

located in community centres, malls, and

grocery stores.

Internet.

The internet has loads of information

about Addiction and mental illness; just

know that not all of it is accurate. In fact, the

information on some websites is more wrong

than right. The next page has a list of helpful

websites that can be trusted.

Kids Help Phone.

The Kids Help Phone has counselors who

answer phone calls and online questions

from young people 24/7. You can reach them

at 1-800-668-6868 or at kidshelpphone.ca

Phonebook.

The yellow pages have lists of local support

groups, counselors, and youth health

centres, some of which may be helpful for you.

Emergency.

If you or your parent are feeling suicidal

or are in crisis, go to your local hospital’s

emergency room immediately.

Teen Mental Health: www.teenmentalhealth.org

Kelty Mental Health Resource Centre: www.keltymentalhealth.ca

National Institute of Mental Health: www.nimh.nih.gov

Canadian Centre on Substance Abuse: www.ccsa.ca

Centre for Addiction and Mental Health: www.camh.net

National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism: www.niaaa.nih.gov

Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration: www.samhsa.gov

Alcoholics Anonymous Family Groups: www.al-anon.alateen.org

HELPFUL

WEBSITES

Writing in a journal can be a really good way to express your feelings. Reading over what you’ve

written later may help you make sense of your feelings and you might even feel better. Feel free to

use the questions below if you’re having trouble getting started.

WRITE

ABOUT YOU

I still have questions about

I’m concerned my parent will

I'm worried I will

I’m going to share my feelings with

My friends will help me

I’m going to take care of myself by

Things that make me feel better include

When I am scared, I will

I can trust

Things I like about myself include

I will stay connected to my family by

What I love about my family is

I get frustrated when

EMERGENCY

CONTACT LIST

My parent's doctor's name:

My parent's doctor's phone number:

Phone number:

Medication my parent is on:

If I need to leave and go to a safe environment, I will go:

Trusted adult/relative #1:

Trusted adult/relative’s phone number:

Trusted adult/relative #2:

Trusted adult/relative’s phone number:

Police phone number:

Crisis hotline:

Closest hospital phone number:

IF YOU ARE CONCERNED ABOUT YOUR SAFETY OR THE

SAFETY OF SOMEONE ELSE, CALL 911!

ULYSSES

AGREEMENT

NAMES OF PEOPLE AWARE OF THIS AGREEMENT:

PARENT'S MEDICAL CONDITION:

Name

Signature

Contact Info

Diagnosis

Symptoms

Medications

(name, dose)

SPECIFIC CARE CONTACTS FOR CHILDREN INCLUDE:

SPECIFIC NEEDS OF CHILDREN (dates of births, health card number, medical issues):

Name Contact Info

Family Doctor

Dentist

School

Friend

Name

Relation

Contact Info

IF PARENT IS UNWELL, CHILDREN WILL BE TEMPORARILY TAKEN CARE OF BY: